Introduction: The Doctor's Note

Introduction: The Doctor’s Note
“Education is a man’s going forward from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty.” - Kenneth G. Johnson



Over the course of writing this book I interviewed and spoke extensively with many different people to get every perspective. This gamut of people ranged from leading doctors in New York City to heroin junkies in the streets of South Bethlehem. Many of these people proved to be both informative and supportive of the project, while others held a different point of view.

Dear Eddie,
I understand your motivation and what you are trying to accomplish. Please understand that I cannot, in good conscience, help you with your project. While I do have extensive experience with patients overdosing on a number of different combinations of both illegal and prescription drugs, I am morally unable to share any information with you. I cannot support your message if it is suggesting that doing certain drugs is okay. The fact of the matter is that there are no facts about drugs. The effect that a drug can have on one person can be completely different from the effect that it has on another person. You have to realize that, not only are there different drugs, but there are also different people. There’s no telling what one line of cocaine will do to any given person.
I admire what you are doing, but I strongly suggest that you re-examine the ideas that you are trying to convey to these people. I wish you the best in all of your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Dr. S.

A well-respected psychopharmacologist wrote this particular letter to me from a hospital that I will leave unnamed. My first thought in response was “what a wus!” I stuffed the letter into my desk drawer and went out to get drunk, something I often did when I felt that this book would be too hard a project for me to handle. A few weeks later, after tossing it around in my head, I realized that all he did was articulate a really simple point that I already knew. This book is not about telling people what is going to happen to them. There are no facts. It is imperative that people recognize that we each have a particular chemical makeup which uniquely reacts to outside events. Just as someone’s personality will determine how they react to a bad grade or a rejection, your physical body will determine how you react to a line of coke or a joint. In fact, your reaction to drugs will also depend a great deal on your personality and surroundings as well. How secure you are with yourself and your surroundings can mean the difference between an acid trip ending with feelings of getting through a great adventure or ending with suicide. I know some people who cannot smoke weed simply because they get too nervous when they’re high. It’s most likely their subconscious insecurities creeping up to the surface.
So I’d like to thank Dr. S., and the many others like him, who wanted no involvement in this book whatsoever, for in fact helping me express this simple, yet significant point. DON’T DO DRUGS.
“Umm, Drugs are bad, mmmkay.” - Mr. Macky, South Park.
I suppose that these authority figures would want some sort of liability clause in the beginning, as if this were a financial institution. Well, here is the statement that is typed on the bottom in small print of any prospectus. I’ve replaced the word “investment” with the word “drug.”
“Please be aware that there are risks involved with all drugs and drug strategies. Historical drug performance may not be indicative of future results.”
As I said, we’re not talking about what will definitely occur. Nothing will definitely occur. There is no 100%. On the 13th of September, 1848, an accidental explosion blew a railroad spike through Phineas Gage’s head, severing the connection between his limbic system and his prefrontal cortex. Even though he could no longer control his emotions and impulses, Phineas did continue to live. Dr. S was morally unable to help me accidentally guide people to their potential deaths. So as I stated earlier, we’re not talking about facts. Anything could kill anyone. I’m not a doctor. I’m stating my opinions, which were formed through extensive research, interviews, observation and admittedly, in the beginning, some experimentation. If you choose to listen, all the power to you, but you are responsible for your own life. Nothing is certain, except for eventual death of course, which is I suppose what we are talking about. How and when death will come to each of us. Each decision one makes about drugs could be a life or death decision and that is why we need to be informed.
What we are going to talk about, among other things, is what has happened to people in the past. For that is the best thing we can look to in order to learn about the future. I have a strong belief in odds. If a high percentage of people have died from drinking too much alcohol and taking Percocet, then I’m going to tell you about it. That way it will lower the odds of you choosing that random combination of drugs to use and maybe you won’t die when you might have. Okay? Beautiful.
What that “wus,” Dr. S, was talking about, and I don’t blame him personally, I mean he does have a career to worry about, and you know all medical doctors took an oath to “do no harm.” An argument that people might bring up after reading this book is the classic idea that if you tell people more about something, they’ll just want to try it more. I believe that this is an archaic way of looking at things.
And by archaic, I mean the perspective of most health teachers in high schools today, which of course directly represents that of our community at large. The vague manner in which they cover these topics in class provokes only curiosity. Their injunctions of “don’t do drugs” create temptation. Like a mom telling her kid not to eat a cookie before dinner. How this isn’t obvious is beyond me. While trying to frighten people doesn’t solve the problem either, it probably would have been a better goal to just scare us by showing us so much gory detail that we wouldn’t want to subject ourselves to this horrible world. The point would have been more obvious. Talking about scaring people out of doing things, my top 3 film picks to scare people about drugs and alcohol is as follows, in no particular order. These are all terrific movies.
1. Leaving Las Vegas, Mike Figgis.
2. Requiem for a Dream, Darren Aronofsky.
3. Traffic, Steven Soderbergh.
Throw in one of these movies the next time you’re thinking about doing something dicey. You may realize that you might just be better off going to sleep. And if you happen to like books over movies I suggest you read, James Frey’s, A Million Little Pieces. It is an incredibly gripping story and will really make you think. Yes, it is true that the story was supposed to be based on real events and it ended up that James embellished the truth. True or not, it’s still a solid reading experience. I read it over spring break in Negril, Jamaica my senior year for health psychology and I think it kept my drug mentality in a better place amidst the partying that week. Speaking of James Frye, watch Oprah instead of Jerry Springer. That might sound a little weird, but just trust me. While I’m on the “just trust me” lines, let me also say the following. Do Not snort lines of Jello Shots! I was trashed at “slope day” at Cornell a few months ago and tried doing that with my friend Gooter. It was one of the more painful moments I can remember. It felt as though someone was tearing through my brain with an old pair of scissors. However, you should know the importance of snorting water in case you ever need to, as painful as that also is.
I had a horrible experience some time ago. I won a pool game against my friend J.D. The loser had to buy a shot for the winner. J.D. had told me he was going to get me back for biting his arm earlier in the evening. I had a few drinks since then and thought he might have gotten over it; either way, I should’ve been more cautious. I won the pool game. He came back with two shots that were red. I said, “What the fuck is this?” He responded, “it’s good shit.” I took it down, first thinking it was peppery liquor I had never tried, and then came the pain. I screamed. He laughed and said that his is cranberry juice and that mine is Tabasco sauce. I can’t handle “spicy” stuff to begin with. I ran over to the bartender who was aware of this ruse. He had lined up glasses of ice water. I chugged one of them. Helped the mouth, but my throat and stomach were still burning. Ran down the stairs and vomited immediately. I didn’t have to put my fingers down my throat or anything. Unable to focus on the puking process at all, the hot sauce induced vomit clogged up my nose far worse than usual. I couldn’t blow my nose or breathe out of it. I couldn’t really drink anything because I needed my mouth to breathe and started to get nervous about it in my drunken state. It was very uncomfortable. My friend Cosa then taught me that the best way to unclog one’s nose if one cannot blow out or breathe in is to snort or pour water up it. You inhale the water through your nose and cough it out of your mouth. It hurts but it unclogs the pathway. It was an interesting learning experience. Sitting in bed later that night it dawned on me that it was a good example of how anyone could put anything in my drink at any time. To do much worse things than make me take a shot of Tabasco sauce. This is a much more serious lesson than the snorting water. For the scariest example of why someone would give you a spiked drink, see the film, HOSTEL, but trust me, you really shouldn’t see that movie. It was truly disturbing and there was really no point. Actually, being disturbing might have been the point. And if you want the most horrible real life example I can think of, look up the details of the crimes committed by Jeffrey Dahmer.
As I was saying earlier about the health teachers today, it’s like these conservatives who feel that free condoms in the bathroom will promote sex to those who aren’t even thinking about sex yet. They believe that the cost of that potential problem, in addition to going against their own morals, would outweigh the benefit of upping the odds that those who were already having sex might now be more inclined to practice safe sex. Right, god-forbid we have a whole lot of people having safe, healthy sex. These old timers would rather that kids go into the sex scene not being exposed to anything. And let the ones who have the balls to get laid catch the HIV. And the truth of the matter is that studies now show that teaching abstinence is actually counterproductive. Kids subjected to teachings of abstinence are actually more likely to both have unsafe sex and have it at an earlier age than kids who receive sexual education. On October 29th, 2008 I attended the Random Student Drug Testing Summit in Albany, New York hosted by the White House’s Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP). The people behind this program want to be able to administer drug tests to any student at any time with no cause, thus instilling the fear of getting caught and facing expulsion. Their motivation is that this will make it nearly impossible for students to experiment, which will result in a higher percentage of students who graduate and with better grades. The only goal of the private institution is to raise its own statistics in order to look more impressive compared to other schools in the area. All of the research they presented to us at the summit showed only that there is a direct proportion between students unable to do drugs and students who do well in school. Often when these programs are put in to place, education in these topics goes by the wayside. A room full of Vice Principals sit calmly like sheep, following along this speaker’s presentation. I raise my hand furiously.
“Yes sir?” the lady says in my direction.
“What happens after the students graduate from your school? When they go to college?” I respond with a steady, but loud voice.
“What happens?” she asks.
“Well, have your people performed a longitudinal study that follows students who are subjected to this random drug testing and students who are not, to identify any clear differences in where they end up ten years down the line?”
“Our concern is how the children perform while attending our school.”
“But not as individuals performing in the world? Isn’t that what high school is preparing us for?” She’s seeing my point and getting annoyed with me now. “I think your concern is the performance of your school. Not the well being of the students in it. You say you are protecting these kids from drugs. In my experience, it’s the kids who don’t learn to make choices early on and are constrained by rules, who have the biggest problems with drugs and behavior as soon as those rules are gone.” Some of the sheep in the crowd have picked up their heads and are smiling now.
“I’m sorry sir. But this is not what we’re here to discuss.”
“Oh, sorry. I just wanted to make that point.” I sit back down.
She continues her discussion about different levels of punishments for offenses, such as losing rights to participate in extracurricular activities for first time offenders. Can you imagine their thinking? They want to take away the active, creative part of a child’s day, which I must say, would only lend itself to further drug use.
The best part of this story in Albany is that the speaker I’d spoken with found me in the hallway during a break. I reflexively flinched as she cornered me, but then she began to speak in a conspicuous whisper. “Mr. Einbinder, is it, Eddie? I’d like to share something with you.”
“Yes?” I ask, not knowing what to expect.
“I know now that my two sons tried pot when they were in high school, and I’m very happy they experimented with that and alcohol so they could learn to handle themselves before they went to college.”
“It’s necessary,” I concur.
“Well, between us, I needed you to know that of course I get where you’re coming from and I’m glad you are here.” She continues to gab with me like we’re old girlfriends for a minute before she heads back in.
I shake my head thinking sadly, so she’s just one of the countless adults who get paid to preach ideas that they don’t believe in. At least I got my point across to the crowd. The most important issue in all this is the lack of education offered once it’s deemed unnecessary.
Well I say screw this. If there’s a chance that a 13-year-old is going to run into marijuana, then that kid should be offered the correct education about marijuana. Otherwise he has no choice but to listen to the drug dealer who’s offering it to him, or of course, the constant bombardment of Ipod, T.V. and internet that we are subjected to today. And what do parents say? Go do your homework!
We have to recognize that we don’t know everything. We can’t know everything and neither can the grownups. Don’t ask how to draw the line between the two. If we realized that we didn’t know everything, we might start to think more about the risk involved in trying foreign substances. We would then get the opportunity to at least decide for ourselves whether we want to take that risk.
My only goal is to have as much fun as I can throughout my entire life. A key part of that statement is “my entire life.” Sure, I want to have fun, but if it were getting head for ten minutes and then dying right after, it wouldn’t exactly be worth it. The point is that you should want to be having a good time, but also be concerned with the fact that you will also want to be having fun later on in life; be it forty years from now or tomorrow morning. We’ve all been told about looking out for our future; trying to obtain that perfect equilibrium between work and play so that we can more steadily move along life’s path, consistently filled with underlying feelings of fulfillment and purpose. However, I’m speaking more about your day-to-day actions rather than your work ethic, which we can leave up to your parents to bother you about. Since it has practically no relationship to whether or not you’re going to get bombed tonight. Which, I’d like to add, will screw you up a lot quicker than having a bad study schedule. And frankly, that isn’t going to matter that much anyway because odds are you’re a bright kid in a so-so school in which case you’ll most likely cruise without a problem. I may have run off on a tangent just then but you should get used to it because that’s going to happen from time to time. Ironically, a simple example of what happens when you may have smoked a little too much weed in the past. Then again, it could be my slight Attention Deficit Disorder, the diagnosis of which I did not receive until after the publication of the 1st edition.
It’s been made perfectly clear that the problem I subtly referred to moments ago is not going to be your current study habits. The real problem for you is going to be drugs! All right, relax. I realize that last statement was a bit harsh. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m actually trying to help you. In order for you to enjoy this book, or maybe just for me to feel more comfortable writing it, I have to share a few thoughts.
I’m not some anti-drug activist who’s going to make you feel bad about yourself. I’ve done my fair share and possibly a bit more, depending on your perspective.
You could do anything and everything. Or you could be as sober as a 10-year-old kid who still actually appreciates the natural fun of videogames without the need for a bong being passed between him and his friends as they play. It really doesn’t concern me all that much. The thing that truly does concern me is the fact that you need to know what you’re getting into and what exactly it could do to you.
We all have free will. You could overdose or read a physics textbook. What worries me is that it might not be your decision. What if you make a mistake? Once you’ve tried drugs, you are no longer making the decisions that night. “You on drugs” is making the decisions. And who wants to trust “you on drugs?” Once you’re there, you don’t even get to choose whether you want to trust “you on drugs.” What if you just don’t realize the state of mind you are about to enter? What if you never wake up again? What if it were only up to your family and friends to wonder endlessly about your seemingly extreme actions and whether they were accidental or intentional?
Well nothing then! You’re dead and there’s nothing you can do about it. So what do you say we sit down and do something about it right now? Or maybe after you hit that bowl, if that’s what you were planning on doing before you started reading this. I had to throw that in, things were getting too serious. If you refer back to my title, “How To Have Fun And Not Die,” you can see that it sharply captures the gist of this book. I’m writing this to try to ensure that you get the opportunity to consciously choose whether to have fun, die, or to take part in one of the million different experiences that can also occur. Bottom line, we don’t want one of these things happening by accident.